I cried today.
I decided to take a much needed break from my rigorous work routine and tune in to one of my favorite family vloggers on YouTube. The Channel is called GabeBabeTV. Gabe is the Mom and lead of the channel and then there is her husband Chad and their son Chad Jr. who is about 4 years old.
I’ve been watching this family since Gabe was Gabe all on her own.
When Baby Chad was born I was estranged from my family. Within days of his birth my beloved Niece was born. This was motivation for me to try for the umpteenth time to be apart of my family again. During which time I lived across the nation from them, so while I’d fallen in love with my niece, I’d rarely see her.
I’d keep an eye on baby Chad and monitor his mannerisms and growth because I’d discovered that he was so much like my niece. The only difference was she was very “girly” and he very much had “boy” qualities about him.
I’d even gotten to point that when she was around the age of 2, I’d sit with her whenever I’d visit and we’d watch videos of Baby Chad together.
Being that I’ve found myself estranged from my family again, and have suffered the loss of my niece, I can barely stand to see what was once one of my favorite pass times to binge watch.
I’m currently in Sri Lanka on the trip of a lifetime. I mean I feel a joy I’ve never imagined, hence me deciding to give myself a break. I still wonder how I found myself on Gabe and Babe’s channel.
Perhaps I felt like I could bypass the sad emotions of missing my niece because I was on such a high. Perhaps I felt that so much time had passed that I was healed. I’m not sure what I was thinking exactly, but I took the plunge and tuned in to my fave YouTube family.
I knew from social media that Gabe and Babe had been struggling to get pregnant and she’d recently made the announcement. Chad was joking with Baby Chad about being a Big Brother soon, and Baby Chad was obviously elated.
He’d grown so much. He was articulating his words so well. He was intelligent and handsome. I knew in my heart that he was still a copy cat of my niece with a boy’s mannerisms. I felt love for her and I wished her well within.
I’m sure you’re thinking that this is when the tears began to fall. I didn’t cry at this moment actually.
One of the other things I love about this vlog is that Gabe has what appears to be a very healthy and loving relationship with both her Mother and Grandmother.
Gabe was complaining about having headaches, and I believe she mentioned something about her stomach. I’m not sure, but I know that her head was an issue. Keep in mind that she is in her first trimester and this is a rainbow baby so for a long time they feared that she may never get pregnant again.
As Gabe was talking, her Mother without so much as a thought laid her hand on Gabe’s head and prayed that the pain be removed, then she moved her hands down to Gabe’s stomach and prayed over the baby as well.
Before I knew it, my eyes were watery.
I love to see healthy and whole relationships between Mothers and Daughters, and I loved seeing this moment; but something inside of me allowed my heart to break all over again.
I was reminded that I’ll never know a love like that.
I’ll never know what it is like to have a person love me for just existing.
I’ll never know what it is like to know that there is this one person on Earth that would give their life for me.
I’ll never know what it was like to have a person love me more than they love themself.
I’ll never know what it was like to have someone know parts of me that I don’t even know myself.
I’ll never know what it is like to have someone be concerned about my concerns, my worries and my lost hopes.
I’ll never know what it is like to have someone be interested in seeing my dreams fulfilled.
I’ll never know what it is like to have someone labor on my behalf, as I waited on mountains to move.
I’ll never know what it was like to have someone waiting on me at the finish line when my long and hard journey was finally over.
I’ll never know what it was like to have someone give a damn about the fact that I’d overcome, and that I was elated about a dream coming to fruition.
I’m fighting tears as I sit on this train headed to Kandy, Sri Lanka. I don’t miss the Woman that neglected and scapegoated me, but I miss the Mother that I never had.
I wonder what the deeper meaning is. I wonder what happened our last lifetime to cause her to have no emotional attachment to me whatsoever.
I haven’t been blogging here lately because I’ve been so freaking happy. It’s like I don’t want to go there, but as I let the tears fall on this beautiful train ride, I feel myself getting stronger.
I feel as though I’m being purged and that my tears are watering the lush greens that surround me. There’s something beautiful about the thought that I cried here in Sri Lanka and that the traces of my tears will forever be here……a sacred part of me here in this gorgeous land that I love so much.
There’s something rewarding about the fact that I feel so close to God while here and that there’s this knowing that I’m being comforted.
When I get off this train, I will start a new adventure in Sri Lanka. I’ve already been here a week, but with each new town there’s a new lesson and new things to be discovered.
It feels good to know that I’ll be lighter having shed more of the weight, having acknowledged that I’m human. Having remembered that it would have been nice to have a Mother’s love. Having allowed my heart to break again, and my tears flow without resistance.
I’m not sad at my core, I’m not depressed…I know the difference.
I will never petition myself to stop crying or to be completely healed when it comes to the loss of my family as a whole. I believe that we can fulfill ourselves and that we can work consistently to love and reward ourselves.
I personally stay in touch with my inner child and I’m always redeeming her and making things up to her as much as I possibly can.
These coping mechanisms work. I’ve come such a long way. I’ve gone through so many phases and I find myself in a space of gratitude, living a life that so many can only dream of.
My destiny is fulfilled. Without the love of parents and without the support of my siblings…..my destiny is fulfilled and I feel like I’ve only scratched the surface.
My heart longs to reach out to those that know the pain I’ve endured. I see so many people that have suffered similar circumstances who medicate with toxic substances and they are plagued and tormented by limiting beliefs. One can not blame them.
We have suffered heartache that many wouldn’t be able to survive.
May my story be a testament to you. May you live vicariously through me as you create your own life that allows you to fulfill your destiny.
May you find hope where you felt there was none. May we all learn to love ourselves and our inner-child in a way that strives to compensates for the love that we will never have.
I have created a 21-Day Mind-shift and Guide that focuses on loving your inner child. It’s called Re-parent Yourself. This isn’t about reminiscing on the faults and mistakes that your parents made. This is about placing the focus on you and your personal growth.
It’s an opportunity to train your brain to remember the little you within in your day to day activities and to carry them with you for the rest of your life.
This exercise has proven to be healing and insightful, and I’ve made it extremely affordable so that any and everyone would be able to purchase it.
If you go through the Mind-shift, please be sure to join my Facebook Group and keep me posted on your journey. I’m also always happy to answer your questions along the way.
For more content like this or to reach Tali Love please log onto www.kinfolkchronicles.com